Yesterday
I was at RPs marriage. He is a very close friend of mine. We
were together at school & college
and maintain a very good friendship between us till now. I
am definitely happy on his marriage. But I am also worried. You might
ask why. Here is the reason. Once
married, it is seen that people
completely cut relationship with their friends and acquaintances.
Is married life so busy? Or is growing upto your better-half's expectation such a tough thing that you
wont get time for anything else? Is marriage giving of
one's soul to his/her mate's keeping? Dont you have a personal life after marriage?
Right below I am having a discussion on impact of marriage on
social relationships. I am trying to take some examples, discussions
etc and illustrate my points. Please note that I am
unmarried as of now. Any wrong opinions from my side shall be
clarified so that I can correct it.
Do
you have a best friend? Boy or Girl? Have you ever thought what will
happen after they get married? I had not thought about that till one
of my best friend, a girl, got married some years before. She was so close to me that
she used to share each and everything with me. Whether she is worried
or cool, happy or sad; she used to share with me. You can't imagine
how transparent we were and how we used to understand each other and
were supportive to each other. Even I knew when she attained her
puberty. There were gradual changes in our lives as our age
advanced but our friendship remained intact. From the discussion of study materials during our school time, to crushes on opposite sex during college times and
finally to helping each other in getting job after our studies. Her
father and mother knew me very well and I had good freedom with her.
We seldom met in person. We shared our lives over phone and cards
till the 20th century end and afterwards when email and online chat
became popular we had better communication media to discuss things. Later in 2008 her marriage was
fixed. She was extremely worried during the selection process and consulted me for each and
everything. She had sent almost all photos and CV of the guys to my
email for my opinion.
Immediately after the girl seeing session is over she used to call me to give update about how cool the
guy is or how stupid he is. Once the match was fixed, slowly she became busy with her
'wudb' and our communication decreased in time. I had
attended her marriage where she happily introduced me to her hubby
and we had taken a photo together. After marriage she moved with her
husband to Chennai where he works and had not contacted me. I had
tried to get her contact details but couldnt get it. And then it was
recently i talked with her and that too in a facebook chat. I joined
facebook very late in 2011 and found her in there since she was very
active in fb. But in years the relation has degraded to a hi, hw r u
questions. It didn't have the old charm anymore.
I had
tried to discuss this issue with some of my female friends. In their
opinion, after marriage spouse should be ones best friend and one
should share everything with them. I don't disagree with this thing
they told. But again why should we not keep our old friends who were
there before our spouse; he or she; came to our life. In their
opinion, it will depend on the spouse you will get. You will have to
spend more time of yours for the family. Another thing they pointed
out is that people seems possessive when it comes to their spouse and
don't want them to be more close with others. Especially with people
of opposite sex. Something else also came as an opinion from them. If
there comes possessiveness in friendship then it is not friendship.
It becomes something else. Yes its true. Either natural attraction to
the opposite sex or something unnatural among the same sex. But for
me the feeling cannot be defined as possessiveness. It was a feeling
of frustration on loosing a good friend.
In
India, bride is detached from her family
and has to go to her husbands home after marriage. Normally in the
process she gets alienated from their friends and acquaintances.
In this case, as mentioned earlier husband should be their best friend
and support them as far as possible. Husband and his
family should make sure that the bride feels at home and comfortable in their house. But what if the married
life didn't go so smooth and wife is not getting the
required support from husband and his family? This is an issue most
of the women in India are facing. Gradually they get mentally
depressed. I think women can be saved from this depression if they atleast have their friends to talk with and share
their problems.
In my
opinion there is no replacement for a person in our life. Your spouse
cannot replace your close friends or vice-versa. That means you
require both of them. We need to have a formula to work out after
marriage to keep our friends. Husband can get familiar with his
wives' friends and wife can get familiar with her husbands' friends.
I think this will be the best way possible. Do let me know your
opinions.
Rajeev,
ReplyDeleteI agree to some of the facts…especially the 5th paragraph (In India, bride is detached from h…….).
I think we need to understand there are limits in every relationship and also a comfort zone to share things – it might be your better-half, your Mother, your boy/girl friend, your Father…..it purely depends upon the topic and comfort zone.
In terms of communication break after marriage; MANY times this happens in every friends network….but its Friends (who understands the friend well, and the value/need of the new relationship the other person is going thru) responsibility - perhaps to take also a break! This never means a complete stop or to avoid friends/events. Let’s take the other side –
In case of arranged marriage – most cases both parties may not have got much time to understand each other – so after marriage it’s their time to get involved and understand better – you might need to cut some other communication that time – IFF it’s required for a better communication to build up your life.
This is a huge topic to discuss…depends upon how others perceive…………
Thank you Anonymous for the comments. Yes its a huge topic to discuss. And through this blog what I aim is a platform to discuss a bug social issue which affects many life. Use this as a forum.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I would like to tel you that all your blogs are quite interesting and it actually compels the reader to read till the end!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteComing to this blog, what I feel is that somehow after marriage we become so much occupied with our extended family that it really becomes difficult to maintain a regular interaction with our friends. And when it comes to your point of sharing all stuff with your friends I feel that since after marriage you plan your life with the consent of your spouse, so somehow you start discussing all your small and big things with him/her Because at the end of the day its the two of you who are getting affected by that. And in all these adjustments somehow willingly or unwillingly your other relationships suffer:( also as you have mentioned here that your interaction with your friend reduced after her marriage, for this one reason might be her spouse may not like her regular interactions with friends and etc etc..so to keep the things intact she might have started maintaining a distance with her friends..
But I also agree wholeheartedly to your point that Indian Married women are actually very lonely because of our stupid customs. Most of the time its considered that as soon a gal is married she should start paying complete attention to her inlaws, husband and bla bla..which is not justified in any manner. When a guy can continue his normal life after marriage then why should not a girl.. But I think now things are changing although at a slower pace and as educated individuals we should try to bring some more changes in our society so that women just don't suffer mental trauma within the four walls of the house.
Thanks Puloma for the complement and opinion
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