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Thursday, November 15, 2012

After friends marry

Yesterday I was at RPs marriage. He is a very close friend of mine. We were together at school & college and maintain a very good friendship between us till now. I am definitely happy on his marriage. But I am also worried. You might ask why. Here is the reason. Once married, it is seen that people completely cut relationship with their friends and acquaintances. Is married life so busy? Or is growing upto your better-half's expectation such a tough thing that you wont get time for anything else? Is marriage giving of one's soul to his/her mate's keeping? Dont you have a personal life after marriage?

Right below I am having a discussion on impact of marriage on social relationships. I am trying to take some examples, discussions etc and illustrate my points. Please note that I am unmarried as of now. Any wrong opinions from my side shall be clarified so that I can correct it.

Do you have a best friend? Boy or Girl? Have you ever thought what will happen after they get married? I had not thought about that till one of my best friend, a girl, got married some years before. She was so close to me that she used to share each and everything with me. Whether she is worried or cool, happy or sad; she used to share with me. You can't imagine how transparent we were and how we used to understand each other and were supportive to each other. Even I knew when she attained her puberty. There were gradual changes in our lives as our age advanced but our friendship remained intact. From the discussion of study materials during our school time, to crushes on opposite sex during college times and finally to helping each other in getting job after our studies. Her father and mother knew me very well and I had good freedom with her. We seldom met in person. We shared our lives over phone and cards till the 20th century end and afterwards when email and online chat became popular we had better communication media to discuss things. Later in 2008 her marriage was fixed. She was extremely worried during the selection process and consulted me for each and everything. She had sent almost all photos and CV of the guys to my email for my opinion. Immediately after the girl seeing session is over she used to call me to give update about how cool the guy is or how stupid he is. Once the match was fixed, slowly she became busy with her 'wudb' and our communication decreased in time. I had attended her marriage where she happily introduced me to her hubby and we had taken a photo together. After marriage she moved with her husband to Chennai where he works and had not contacted me. I had tried to get her contact details but couldnt get it. And then it was recently i talked with her and that too in a facebook chat. I joined facebook very late in 2011 and found her in there since she was very active in fb. But in years the relation has degraded to a hi, hw r u questions. It didn't have the old charm anymore.

I had tried to discuss this issue with some of my female friends. In their opinion, after marriage spouse should be ones best friend and one should share everything with them. I don't disagree with this thing they told. But again why should we not keep our old friends who were there before our spouse; he or she; came to our life. In their opinion, it will depend on the spouse you will get. You will have to spend more time of yours for the family. Another thing they pointed out is that people seems possessive when it comes to their spouse and don't want them to be more close with others. Especially with people of opposite sex. Something else also came as an opinion from them. If there comes possessiveness in friendship then it is not friendship. It becomes something else. Yes its true. Either natural attraction to the opposite sex or something unnatural among the same sex. But for me the feeling cannot be defined as possessiveness. It was a feeling of frustration on loosing a good friend.

In India, bride is detached from her family and has to go to her husbands home after marriage. Normally in the process she gets alienated from their friends and acquaintances. In this case, as mentioned earlier husband should be their best friend and support them as far as possible. Husband and his family should make sure that the bride feels at home and comfortable in their house. But what if the married life didn't go so smooth and wife is not getting the required support from husband and his family? This is an issue most of the women in India are facing. Gradually they get mentally depressed. I think women can be saved from this depression if they atleast have their friends to talk with and share their problems. 

In my opinion there is no replacement for a person in our life. Your spouse cannot replace your close friends or vice-versa. That means you require both of them. We need to have a formula to work out after marriage to keep our friends. Husband can get familiar with his wives' friends and wife can get familiar with her husbands' friends. I think this will be the best way possible. Do let me know your opinions.


  1. Rajeev,
    I agree to some of the facts…especially the 5th paragraph (In India, bride is detached from h…….).

    I think we need to understand there are limits in every relationship and also a comfort zone to share things – it might be your better-half, your Mother, your boy/girl friend, your Father…..it purely depends upon the topic and comfort zone.

    In terms of communication break after marriage; MANY times this happens in every friends network….but its Friends (who understands the friend well, and the value/need of the new relationship the other person is going thru) responsibility - perhaps to take also a break! This never means a complete stop or to avoid friends/events. Let’s take the other side –
    In case of arranged marriage – most cases both parties may not have got much time to understand each other – so after marriage it’s their time to get involved and understand better – you might need to cut some other communication that time – IFF it’s required for a better communication to build up your life.

    This is a huge topic to discuss…depends upon how others perceive…………

  2. Thank you Anonymous for the comments. Yes its a huge topic to discuss. And through this blog what I aim is a platform to discuss a bug social issue which affects many life. Use this as a forum.

  3. First of all I would like to tel you that all your blogs are quite interesting and it actually compels the reader to read till the end!!!!!!!

    Coming to this blog, what I feel is that somehow after marriage we become so much occupied with our extended family that it really becomes difficult to maintain a regular interaction with our friends. And when it comes to your point of sharing all stuff with your friends I feel that since after marriage you plan your life with the consent of your spouse, so somehow you start discussing all your small and big things with him/her Because at the end of the day its the two of you who are getting affected by that. And in all these adjustments somehow willingly or unwillingly your other relationships suffer:( also as you have mentioned here that your interaction with your friend reduced after her marriage, for this one reason might be her spouse may not like her regular interactions with friends and etc etc..so to keep the things intact she might have started maintaining a distance with her friends..

    But I also agree wholeheartedly to your point that Indian Married women are actually very lonely because of our stupid customs. Most of the time its considered that as soon a gal is married she should start paying complete attention to her inlaws, husband and bla bla..which is not justified in any manner. When a guy can continue his normal life after marriage then why should not a girl.. But I think now things are changing although at a slower pace and as educated individuals we should try to bring some more changes in our society so that women just don't suffer mental trauma within the four walls of the house.

    1. Thanks Puloma for the complement and opinion


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